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Why are spies tied to chairs?


Why do so many spy movies involve people tied to chairs? It seems a pandemic.


Consider:

  • Casino Royale (2006) (above)

  • The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015)

  • The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (original 1960's series)

  • Live and Let Die

  • Red Sparrow

  • The World is not Enough

  • You only Live Twice

  • The Spy who Loved Me

  • The Rookie

  • Skyfall

  • Unidentified Manga nonsense

  • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

  • A whole movie entitled 'Tied to a Chair' (warning: very bad film; do not attempt to watch)

  • Atomic Blonde (Charlize Theron jump- kicking someone down a staircase; do watch this movie as it is so bad it is funny)

  • Typical day at Vauxhall Cross (name of movie)


We at the PALADINS warn you that this is all homoerotic nonsense. Spies are never tied to chairs. It just makes good movies. If someone tries to tie you to a chair, you should simply kill them, using one of the self-defence or close combat manoeuvres discussed in one of our prior articles about these subjects. Alternatively, which amounts to the same thing, you engage some top intelligence lawyers.


It is important to avoid being tied to a chair, because the usual method in movies by which persons tied to chairs escape having their genitals electrocuted by psychopaths, etcetera is typically by another spy arriving with a gun, often someone that the chaired spy never realised was a spy and/or never realised was on his side, something which is very unlikely to happen in practice. On the other hand it is very unlikely in a career in intelligence that anyone will try to tie you to a chair; they are more likely simply to kill you or write a nasty memo about you. So one needn't worry about this too much; it is rather a theoretical risk.


We welcome all additions to our 'chair wall', including links to photos and movie names; please contact us via our usual means with contributions. NOTE 7 October 2022. Contributions to this article were starting to become a little off-topic, if not downright silly; and hence the opportunity to contribute to this page is now CLOSED.