Poison and gas, they're for the top brass
Bullets and bus, where there's no fuss
Elevators and Cops, that's when they're flops
And the daggers? They're for hackers
Old Russian proverb
The Paladins are pleased to open the world's first tea room, open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, at the address below. Although appointments are very much preferred, by email to email@example.com, by the online form below or by telephone to our usual numbers, we will exceptionally make a table free for those who arrive without prior reservations. But we are proud of the calm and secure environment in our tea shop, and we will not brook troublemakers. The Police will be immediately called in any such instance, and you will be asked to leave immediately if you do not comply with our house regulations.
The tea shop is situated in a luxurious but discreet environment. Breakfast is served from 8am to 10am; lunch from 1pm to 3pm; and dinner from 8pm to 10pm. In extraordinary circumstances, meals can be served outside these hours upon arrival.
The Tea Shop strongly discourages the consumption of alcohol and we do not have an alcohol licence. The same goes for recreational drugs. We have access to 24-hour confidential medical facilities for people who are facing drug or alcohol addiction. Smoking is outside only. There are exceptional grounds attached to the tea shop, which permit private walking and exercise in between one's tea breaks.
Guest rooms are single-occupancy only, absent prior exceptional arrangement.
In the interests of customer privacy and quiet, we ask that all mobile telephones be kept turned off at all times in the Tea Shop, and handed in at the door; or, preferably, not brought with customers at all. Customers and their belongings may be searched at our discretion upon entry.
We offer a confidential and strictly non-judgmental environment, and we ask our customers to comply with the same philosophy.
We kindly ask for payment in cash only, and we reserve the right to ask for a payment on account upon arrival. In exceptional circumstances, we will accept a downpayment by credit card presented to us upon arrival.
St Padarn was an early sixth century British Christian, Bishop, warrior and nobleman. He built a monastery and worked in the service of King Arthur (who many scholars believe to be one and the same character as Charlemagne. After a period of fighting and conquest abroad, he returned to Britain to find that his lands had been cheated out of him by an accursed King Maelgwnn Gwynedd, so he subjected two of Gwynedd's heralds to trial by ordeal by plunging them into pots of boiling water whereupon their souls were flown to the riverbed. Gwynedd was himself cursed with sickness and blindness, of which he could be cured only by bending on one knee and seeking forgiveness. Land was then prescribed for Padarn to build a monastery that would always be welcoming to sick and needy travellers.
Of Padarn's relationship with Arthur, the Vita Sancta Paterni records this:
When Padarn was in his church resting after so much labour at sea, a certain tyrant, Arthur by name, was traversing the regions on either side, who one day came to the cell of saint Padarn the bishop. And while he was addressing Padarn, he looked at the tunic, which he, being pierced with the zeal of avarice, sought for his own. The saint answering said, "This tunic is not fitting for the habit of any malign person, but for the habit of the clerical office." He went out of the monastery in a rage. And again he returns in wrath, that he might take away the tunic against the counsels of his own companions. One of the disciples of Padarn seeing him returning in fury, ran to saint Padarn and said, "The tyrant, who went out from here before, is returning. Reviling, stamping, he levels the ground with his feet". Padarn answers "Nay rather, may the earth swallow him." With the word straightway the earth opens the hollow of its depth, and swallows Arthur up to his chin. He immediately acknowledging his guilt begins to praise both God and Padarn, until, while he begs forgiveness, the earth delivered him up. From that place on bent knees he begged the saint for indulgence, whom the saint forgave. And he took Padarn as his continual patron, and so departed.