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  • Writer's pictureThe Paladins

Twenty Russian methods of committing suicide

Russia has high suicide rates; in the region of 130 men per day commit suicide in the Russian Federation. Help yourself not be one of them, by consulting our convenient guide on some of the more common methods of committing suicide.

Committing suicide is undertaken with the helpful voluntary(?) euthanasia schemes of:

  1. The FSB, in Russia, acting with the instructions of the Russian President in high-profole cases; or

  2. The GRU, only on instructions in writing of the President of Russia, outside Russia.

  3. In extremis, the President of Russia may order locally based FSB staff outside Russia to assist with the voluntary euthanasia of a Russian citizen in that country. However this only takes place in countries where everything is totally opaque and can be covered up. The general rule for voluntary euthanasia abroad is the GRU, because they are much more skilled in covering their tracks, creating clouds of confusion and crossing borders, including abnormal borders, quickly and efficiently. They are also trained in many more voluntary euthanasia techniques than are FSB foreign posted officers.

We do not know what the voluntary euthenasia policies are in the Russian-occupied areas of the four southern Ukrainian oblasts currently under Russian control. Policy there may be evolving.

And here are our proposed methods of committing suicide, all of which have been used in the last twelve months:

  1. Falling from the third floor of an Indian hotel that had barriers in place to prevent this.

  2. Becoming ill over dinner in a friend's mansion in the south of France, near Monaco; then accidentally falling down the highly polished French wooden stairs.

  3. Falling out of a sixth floor window in Moscow's Central Clinical Hospital, in which the windows are sealed and cannot be opened wide enough.

  4. Throwing oneself down a remote Siberian cliff face some 200km east of the Arctic circle city of Norilsk, a place to which there is no road access, while being interviewed by state broadcaster Russia Today's chief anchor, the purpose of this act being to 'save comrades' who were not actually there.

  5. Killing oneself in one's own bathtub, with a suicide note next to the bathtub and with no slash marks or similar to the limbs.

  6. Killing oneself in one's own garage with a suicide note on the body, without any marks of trauma being observed. (Nota bene: these suicide notes are often unusual, expressing regret at the dead person's lack of loyalty to the Motherland and so on and so forth).

  7. Apparent suicide pact between husband, wife and two sons, all found dead without explanation in an apartment in Nizhny Novgorod (where the family did not live).

  8. Hanging oneself from a handrail in the garden of one's luxury apartment on the Catalan coast of Spain, having previously apparently murdered one's wife and 13 year-daughter with a blunt axe inside the apartment.

  9. Taking a walk up the paved path to Achipse Fortress in Sochi, and accidentally falling off a cliff in the course of the walk.

  10. Taking a drug overdose that caused cardiac arrest while participating in a shamanic ritual in the basement of a Jamaican shaman's apartment in Moscow.

  11. Shooting oneself multiple times in the head while in one's own swimming pool in one's mansion outside St Petersburg. Multiple bullet shell casings found at bottom of pool.

  12. Falling from one's own high-rise apartment in Washington, DC, in a building with no balconies.

  13. Falling from one's boat while taking a pleasure cruise in Vladivostok, your body being washed up on a remote beach two days later and 160km away.

  14. Strangling oneself while walking to lunch in a town in Kabharovsk Kraj, a remote region of eastern Russia.

  15. Falling down several successive sets of stairs in the Moscow Aviation Institute, of which one was the director.

  16. Shooting oneself more than once in the head while on the balcony of one's Moscow apartment.

  17. A healthy 46 year old dying in hospital from COVID complications after having 'battled the illness for a long time', even though there were no medical reports corroborating his extended illness.

  18. Falling to your death from the balcony of your Nizhny Novgorod apartment (note the proportions of suicides of well-known people that take place in Nizhny Novgorod) while the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation, a sort of Putin-directed high-level specialist law enforcement unit / death squad, executed a search warrant of your apartment there that you never knew you had.

  19. Falling over a beach railing in Antibes, France, hitting your head and accidentally staving it in as though smashed with a large hammer.

  20. Falling out of a diesel-electric attack submarine (!) while attending the float-out ceremony in St Petersburg; you were Director General of the Admiralty Shipyards that constructed the submarine.

  21. Dying in hospital after being hit by a car while crossing a street in Makhachkala, Dagestan; you were the Head of Government in Dagestan.

If you have concerns about your anticipating that you may unexpectedly decide to commit suicide and you are a Russian businessman or public official with a record of actions or statements not in accordance with the wishes of the Kremlin, then please contact our Samaritans suicide hotline immediately (details at webpage).

It is complex, sophisticated and time-consuming work to talk a person prone to suicide not to go ahead and kill themselves. Bear that in mind; it will be expensive, and every second counts in bringing moral support and associated relief to the victim (and his family).


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