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  • Writer's pictureThe Paladins

Staying in luxury hotel rooms

One of the principal benefits for the international business traveller is the opportunity to stay in luxury hotel rooms around the world. We have been staying in all the same hotels as you, and we know them just like you do although we don't know anything about the things you have been doing there.

Here is our own personal list of preferred qualities of an international hotel chain, whether five star, Hilton Hotels, Marriott Courtyard chain, certain hotels in Singapore or other more down-market hotels where you have never been, and places near the Baltic Sea where there are beautiful historical lanes and pretty girls in short skirts and high heels but that is your business and we wouldn't know anything about this.

  1. Always start with the bath. A good bath tub should be highly polished, slippery so that you can slide into the relaxing hot water, bottles of water by the side of the bath tub with water in them, and other luxury items within easy reach. Never leave your hairdryer on and plugged in near the bath. Because you may need to dry your hair.

  2. The shower is also a very important feature, but be careful of the electrics to make sure they are all wired in correctly. In case of doubts, call our 24 hour customer service representative who will always be on hand to fix your electrics. Did you know? His service was so good the other day that I didn't even know that I had a problem with my electrics but he came and fixed them anyway while I was asleep in my room but I didn't even notice him. Perhaps it was something to do with the heavy dinner I had in the hotel restaurant, including the meat soup.

  3. You want a comfortable bed. Make sure it is a large bed, big enough for two people, even when your wife isn't with you which she never is but we don't know about things like this. The space for the second person should never be used because it is in front of our television that is never switched on and we don't know what you are doing in there.

  4. A fine polished glass coffee table is very useful for drinking small cups of coffee. You drink them one at a time, in succession, until you are quite buzzing, and that's why they taste so good and that table design is so perfect for taking coffee with your friends. At least you thought they were your friends; you met them in a bar last night and they seemed very friendly and in fact it turned out that they were very friendly but we certainly don't know about subjects like this and we don't know whether you were drinking coffee before watching the television.

  5. Be careful if you drink too much coffee! It might be stronger than you thought and it might also be mixed with tea that your friend put in your coffee cup by accident because he was so buzzing or maybe he wasn't but how would you know? We certainly don't. And then when you have mixed your tea and coffee you have a problem with your stomach and other sorts of similar problems and the obliging concierge calls for an ambulance that takes you straight to the Central Clinical Hospital where you will receive the highest standards of immediate care and assistance from our team of qualified medical professionals and their assistants who are very good at carrying around your luggage.

  6. Your hotel room must have a good desk. Check for its legs as they must be strong which are the sorts of legs you like when you lean over for a rest in between your hard bouts of work undertaking your business activities that involve all sorts of mysterious telephone calls and emails and instant messages from your array of secure mobile devices. In fact we've never really understood why you travel with more than one phone but don't be concerned because we don't know anything about your mobile phones and we certainly can't remember anything about those times when you fell asleep leaning forward on your desk because you left the lights on or maybe you didn't or you should have done. We don't know anything about this either.

  7. Check out. This is the most important feature of any modern international hotel chain. There is an express checkout form and more often than not you will have found that the obliging hotel staff have filled it for you and put it in the hotel mailbox because you are in such a hurry that you won't have any time for things like that and you may not even leave through the front lobby but rather down the emergency exit stairwell which has slippery steps so be careful not to slip but don't worry because when you do one of our assuring customer service representatives will be available with a full medical kit to assist you and then everything will be alright and you will feel fine and you will soon be home to see your wife and family who will be doing just fine and they will be patiently waiting to see you. They won't be anxious at all about your business trip because they will have been watching old videos and new ones and anyway one of them might have become unwell and needed to visit the local hospital for urgent assistance but don't worry; he is doing just fine now.

My favourite hotel is Intercontinental Tverskaya. What's yours? Pick any one you like as your favourite, because all your favourites work with our customer service team. So you'll always be in good hands if ever you make a mistake misdialling on your telephone which we know was just a mistake but some of our colleagues above us in the customer service structure may not be quite so understanding.

We welcome your feedback!

  • Your customer service team

  • +7 (495) 224-22-22


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