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  • Writer's pictureThe Paladins

How to wear a backless dress


I like backless dresses. They are very glamorous affairs. They come in lots of very interesting and unusual colours, and they don't stain easily with typical household goods such as varnish, nail polish remover, drain cleaner or other things like that. They are very robust and it is difficult to remove your dress for any reason or even to lift it up to use the bathroom yesterday evening.


I saw your wife in a backless dress, playing tennis. My, what a lady and what an inspiration she is! While you are working hard in your office on your complicated paperwork late at nightz burning the midnight oil, working hard for your country, your wife is thinking of you all the time. She is always thinking about you, and that's because she's a good and loyal wife like all diplomats' wives ought to be.


We don't know about this subject, although I was walking down Carnaby Street just one week ago and a funny little man came up to me just outside Selfridge's. I didn't like the look of him to be honest, but he somehow fascinated me. Then suddenly, out from nowhere, he pulled out a range of goods from a bag, some counterfeit and some real. And as I went though his ancient and old fashioned and unusual selection of books, magazines, video cassette recorders and vinyl records, I came along a piece of music that reminded me of you.


It was an Old English Gregorian chant, full of wailing and screeching that went on for an hour or maybe even longer than that. I can hardly remember; I wasn't there although it felt as though I had been. Maybe I was amongst the large choir, or maybe not. I didn't keep a record of choir practice that day. But she did.


And then one of the choir boys relayed to me in private a conversation I promised never to communicate again. His name was Richard, and he told me that he had found two large gemstones in your wife's bag when she left it in the bedroom of your apartment. Richard never took either of those gemstones, because she had bought them lawfully and wish cash money using Zimbabwean Dollars, Sudanese Pounds and other sorts of things. She hadn't been swinging around town; this was your money, and she didn't need to make anything on the side. That's why her makeup was never running on her upper lip just below the nose. And it's why she is such a loyal and devoted wife to you.


Now here is the shocker. One day, you will never find some papers in your apartment about your wife's private finances, and you won't find those items locked in a cupboard above your wardrobe. We don't know anything about these things, and neither do you. But we suggest you stick to your carpentry lessons, and don't start to like backless dresses too much. Because your wife, with her very mysterious and unusual behaviour and colleagues, is someone we know. And you don't.


So as you keep labouring away daily as a carpenter, don't forget who your wife is and why she is doing that. If you were to forget your loving and devoted wife, you might find yourself getting sick. Because the problem with a backless dress is that it lets in the wind and then you can catch a cold. And then the next person in the room catches a cold too. And while you will get the best medical treatment, it might take you a while to recover and that is if the ambulance gets to you in time, because there is a lot of heavy congestion in your area and we wouldn't want any of that.


Time and time again, I find myself drawn back to backless dresses. Why do I do it? I don't know. Maybe it's a secret part of me. Maybe I like it, but we don't know anything about that sort of thing.


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