IMPORTANT NOTICE. This article is for fun only! We do not advise you to do any of the things referred to in this article, as they are all of them potentially highly illegal depending on the jurisdiction you are in. Check therelevant local law before acting. Do not break the law. It is not our responsibility what you do; this is a humorous and tongue-in-cheek piece of fun for self-defence enthusiasts, and nothing more. You have been warned. Do not break the law by carrying offensive weapons in places where it is illegal to do so.
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Sometimes you may wish to get a weapon or other suspect item (e.g. a walkie-talkie, Geiger Counter or big detector) past a doorman or security guard, where you may be subject to habitual search.
This is not straightforward and we recommend study of the following guidance.
All security guard / doorman protocols are different. Some may use a full body metal detector. Some may use bodily frisks. Some may use portable 'wand' metal detectors. The approach is different in each case. The first rule therefore is to stake your joint, at a similar time of day and of the week (preferably one week earlier with subsequent daily check-ups), to learn as much as you can about the doormen's searching protocols. The individual security guard is also important; one can be more lackadaisical than the other.
Whatever the venue, look the part. Your search is liable to be less thorough if you fit in. If it is a five star hotel, dress one way (possibly with a suit); if it is a garage club, dress another way.
Short throwing knives (e.g. four inches total length) can be effectively concealed in the back collar; pointing down, the blades get snagged in the collar and they remain securely in place. Even if a metal detector goes off you are unlikely to be manually searched at the back of the neck.Gje problem with throwing knives is that barely anybody knows how to use them; you are likely to have this skill only if you have developed to an advanced level of proficiency in a Japanese martial art,a process that can take some years. Throwing knives in the hands of untrained people are mostly useless.
A stiletto (a thin long Italian assassin's knife) taped to the small of the back with duct tape will pass almost all physical searches. If passing through an x-ray machine, ensure you have a heavy belt buckle to deflect attention. have the blade pointing upwards to prevent skin cutting wounds.
There are various knives for sale that are concealed within a belt buckle, so you may pull open the belt buckle at any time and you are armed. These tend to get through virtually any form of security except airport security. However they are extremely tricky to use. The belt is difficult to do up; it can take an hour of preparation to get it right. The knife and its concealed holster must be regularly oiled. And lo and behold if you want to go to the toilet. You will never get the belt undone and refastened in a reasonable time. Consider a short course of senokot (a laxative) to empty your bowels before you attempt this.
If you need to smuggle a firearm past security guards, go for a Beretta Pico in the inside zipped pocket of a shoulder bag with other metallic items in it. It will probably be missed on a physical search in favour of the other metallic objects such as mobile phones. However it will be caught by an x-ray machine.
On balance we far prefer the Beretta Pico over the Colt Mustang as a concealed handgun, which is bigger and requires .380 ACP rounds and while perhaps more powerful is less reliable. However the Colt Mustang is still a perfectly fine concealed firearm. The Colt Mustang is perhaps slightly more accurate without practice: the Beretta Pico needs a bit of practice to use. Of course none of this matters if you are firing at point blank range.
You can also keep a Beretta Pico in your underpants or knickers. (A Colt Mustang is just a little bit too big for people of most sizes.) But you will feel uneasy, knowing that if the safety catch slips you may end up blowing off your own genitals. Consider taping around the trigger with duct tape so that it cannot accidentally be pressed; and taping the safety catch in place. Strap any additional rounds needed into your underpants with more duct tape, but clean the surfaces of the bullets thoroughly of glue before loading them into the magazine or your gun may jam or even suffer a chamber explosion (blowing off your hand).
Smuggling in a suppressor (silencer for a gun) is more difficult and should be included in the bag of DIY tools (see below).
Smuggling in a laser sight should not be too difficult. Many of them are made of plastic and if challenged just say it is red spot torch for a PowerPoint presentation.
A Balisong is a good bet; you keep it in your underpants or knickers. Its blade is secured so as not to cut you when the Balisong is closed.
A fighting umbrella is perfect. These are umbrellas, made of solid steel, to be used as a club or prod. They are typically about three feet long and are entirely innocuous. They can be hard to find.
A Jo (a four-foot staff) is possible if you can adequately feign a walking impediment. Have your own foot cast in plaster,as though it were broken, beforehand.
Steel toecapped regular shoes are easily available and innocuous. These can be used to attack a target's shins in a virtually undetectable movement, reducing them to agony.
The smallest cans of capsicum / mace (pepper spray) can be concealed in the underpants, in one's sock, tucked into one's shoe; or even within one's shoe if one wears a shoe larger than one's actual foot size.
A relatively unobnoxious small bag of hand tools, that you carry with you on some pretext (e.g. you have been to the DIY shop), will often get through if there are no blades in it. And if it is stopped, you just hand it in to be returned later. Within the bag is a hammer, which is quite an effective close quarters weapon.
A regular knuckleduster can be concealed inside your shoe, lying between the foot / sock and the sole.
A shard of plexiglass can be hidden in the same way.
The shortest and highest quality steel-handle flickknives (switchblades) can typically be concealed in one's underpants or knickers. Do not do this with plastic handle flickknives as their springs can be unreliable!
A woman with a very short skirt can typically pass security with either a stiletto or a Beretta Pico strapped using duct tape to the inside of her thigh, high up. The skirt or dress must be short, to avoid the possibility of a physical search (no security guard is going to stick his hand up a woman's very short skirt). This is by far the safest way of smuggling a handgun past non-airport security; but you need the right (calm) woman who doesn't mind wearing an extremely short skirt.
Apply a plaster cast to a two-foot stick and your lower leg, and feign injury. Rip off the plaster cast once inside, in the toilet; a two-foot stick can be an effective clubbing weapon.
Carry a razor blade under your wristwatch. Cut it down to size and wear a large wristwatch. Cover the blade with cellotape to avoid accidental self-injury. Attach the blade to another solid object once inside (e.g. a regular blunt knife) with some cellotape.
A razor blade can also be secreted within a piece of fruit such as an unpeeled banana or apple. But the venue may tell you that no food is allowed inside, particularly if a five-star venue. Manufacture a dietary stricture that requires you to eat only this sort of fruit. Cut the fruit open with a regular blunt knife once inside. Don't let anyone eat it!
Wear an ostensibly religious necklace around your neck that is in fact composed of steel balls connected by a steel wire. These are available at specialist shops. Hang a cross from it. This weapon can be used as a flail or to strangle. It is virtually undetectable to all personal searches.
3D plastic printed guns. Forget. They stil have metal components in them and they are bulky. Moreover the ammunition is metal and will set off a metal detector. If you want a concealable firearm, go for the Beretta Pico.
Pair of chainmail steel gloves. Available from specialist stores. Look and feel like ordinary gloves but they will set off a metal detector. Effective both for disarming persons with knives (you can grab the blade and it will not cut you, enabling you to twist the knife straightforwardly out of the assilant's hand) and also an effective knuckleduster. Warning: do not wear in cold temperatures without a thin pair of latex gloves underneath.
Electroshocker. Do not bother. Mostly useless against persons hyped on adrenalin or with thick clothes (jeans are sufficient to resist disabling pain).
Swordstick. Unfortunately very difficult to buy - most of them are antiques and hence no good for combat. Hire a trusted blacksmith to make you one.
Kubotan keychain. Easy to buy but difficult to use without specific training. Turns your keys into a small flail / kunckleduster. Many security guards are alert to them. Avoid unless you have been trained in their use. Can be concealed in a typical man's shoe.
A chain of razor blades attached together with strong through their central holes can be secreted in the bottom of a shoe if duct tape is applied over the edged blades. You will need the chainmail gloves (see above) to utilise this weapon without cutting your hands to ribbons.
A number of miniature ice picks look like cigars (you unscrew them to reveal a sharp point) and you can probably get them through a cursory search by storing them in an expensive brown leather cigar case (go to your local luxury tobacconists for one of these) together with a bunch of luxury cigars (expensive but you only have to buy them once).
A traditional thick Japanese martial arts belt can be a useful weapon for hooking and pulling someone's head, and for strangulation. Just wear it under your top clothes; if anyone asks you why you have it just feign eccentricity.
There are switchblades small enough to fit under the arch of the foot of a person with large feet. But it is uncomfortable to walk with such a thing in your shoe, so be sure to have plenty of practice in looking like you are walking normally before you pass security.
Small amounts of Semtex (an odourless plastic explosive) can be concealed in your shoe together with a fuse, wrapped. In cellophane. But do not try this at airports, as there are specialist scanners to detect when people have had traces of explosives on their hands or luggage. (If you are a frequent flier you are very likely to have been given one of these tests; it involves taking a swab of hands and luggage and putting the swab into a specialist machine.)
If you want to smuggle in a poison, flunitrazepam or ricin are your best bets. They can both be intermingled indistinguishably with pharmaceuticals in a small medicine kit. Flunitrazepam isanufsctired inost countries but as it's only medical use is as an anaesthetic for general surgery, it may or may not be easy to acquire. (In some countries you just buy it over the counter.) To learn how to make ricin (and we strongly recommend you do not do this or handle any poisons as this is highly likely to be against the law), see here: https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2013/04/how-to-make-ricin-you-dont-have-to-be-a-skilled-terrorist.html
Military grade nerve agent and Polonium (the world's most powerful toxin) can be smuggled in using pipette bottles such as those used for eye drops. Polonium can be detected with a Geiger Counter. In practice you can only acquire these toxins if you are a member of a military intelligence unit of the Russian Federation (GRU),as nobody else is known to manufacture them for any purpose.
Plastic zipties (the ultimate ad hoc handcuffs) can generally just be carried in in the pocket. If anyone asks you what they are for, say that your bag strap keeps breaking and you use them to hold it together when the strap breaks.
There is a form of Katana (the Japanese longsword) without a handguard. It is called the aikuchi, and it is typically carried in a slender sheath that fits perfectly with the grip. If you put a rubber foot on the grip end, it looks quite a lot like an expensive walking stick. Feign a walking impediment, and you will be able to walk straight in there without anyone noticing. The main problem with this is that the aikuchi is very difficult to buy; few of them are manufactured because demand is low. They are also totally illegal in a number of jurisdictions, precisely because they do not look like a sword. Be careful with katanas and aikuchi! They can be far more dangerous than a gun; wielding one unsheathed in an enclosed space is bound to kill or injure several people. Generally, do not mess with Japanese swords of any kind unless you have reached a senior grade in a Japanese martial art such as Aikido that teaches Iaido (sword handling). Most Japanese martial arts do not teach Iaido. Also note that a Katana blade will break if it strikes a hard object, for its steel is quite brittle; as a general rule it is a slicing weapon against soft objects only.
A black full-hewd breathable good with a slipknot drawstring (e.g. those used on Guantanamo Bay inmates) are an extremely effective way of disabling someone from behind: you place the good quickly over the head and pull the slipknot quickly tight. They will panic, and if the hood is well made it may take them several minutes or more to escape the hood; in the meantime they are blind. Available on Amazon. No security guard will notice what this is; you just tell them it's a medicinal cloth.
Finally, don't forget to order the steak! The catering staff may bring you a sharp steak knife with your meal. Or just walk into the kitchen with s cover story (you were sent this way by the guards because you need urgently to get to an emergency staircase) and surreptitiously grab one of the large kitchen knives as your walk breezily through.
We welcome all other humorous and well-intentioned suggestions to add to this strictly humorous and fun list, of things you should never do because they may well be highly illegal and as a law firm we never recommend breaking the law.
To conclude and repeat: obviously do not do any of these things in real life. This article is just for fun. We strongly recommend you not to break the law and not to do any of these things. Have fun just dreaming about them!
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This article was composed with thanks to several contributors that, in accordance with The PALADINS Organization habitual policies on the anonymity of publications, will not be identified.