Do you think the limerick is dead as an art form, or of limited value? That is because you never imagined that it can be used as a form of partially asynchronous cryptology. The limerick is due a renaissance, as a method of conveying secret messages, and in this article we set out a few practical examples of limericks that contain ciphered messages. Each of these limericks has been individually tailored to be addressed to a specific person, and in each case that specific person will we hope recognise themselves. It is also possible that other third parties may recognise some of the people to whom these limericks are addressed, or they may scratch their heads trying to work it out or trying to establish what message each limerick is really delivering.
We are tentatively of the view that the revival of the limerick is a superlative development in cryptology. In this preliminary essay we set out a series of such limericks, almost as brain teasers, and we advise the reader that most of these limericks were drawn up simply and straightforwardly in a few minutes each while in the back of a taxi in bad traffic in a major world city, illustrating just how easy this method of encryption may be to use. In the second essay in this series, we will continue to explore some of the more theoretical issues underlying the use of limericks as a form of cryptology.
We must warn the reader that several of these limericks contain adult themes and some readers might find them tasteless. The professional work which requires use of cryptology often engages adult themes, or matters that can be tasteless, and hence we make no apologies for the content we set out below. What we can assure all our readers is that none of the limericks below are intended to create unlawful threats (although paranoiac Russians might be inclined to think that some of them do) or otherwise contravene the criminal law or cause distress or offence to their intended recipients.
Nonetheless, should you consider yourself of a sensitive temperament, and you do not wish to read material that might touch upon adult themes, then we invite you to stop reading this article now.
We must also add the disclaimer that many or even most of the hidden messages contained in the limericks below are entirely fictitious, frivolous or amusing. This is not a webpage professing to impart any genuine intelligence. It is just a bit of fun, intending to illustrate how the limerick can be used in cryptology.
And with those preliminary observations made, we now continue to our sample of cryptographic limericks, all of which are entirely original and recently written. To repeat, none took more than about five minutes to write.
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Limerick #1
There was an old man with a pen
Followed by identical men
Had some muck on his shoes
Could not be removed
Til he went up the Clock Strikes Big Ben
Limerick #2
There was a five-times encounter
That led to more than steamy banter
The brown shoes took over
She got a red pullover
And now she misses his canter
Limerick #3
There once was a man in big cars
Who'd far rather be in a bar
Gandalfs gave him him lemons
He sent them to St Clemens
And now his large bar has last laugh
Limerick #4
There once was a man from the north
Whose accent the substance he caught
A bloody great Jack
Far up on his back
Meant this was a man who had thought
Limerick #5
There once was a man from the street
Who climbed up a pole while he beat
He reached out on top
Found never a flop
And now the two stand head to feet
Limerick #6
There once was a man from the lakes
On poverty he put the brakes
His umbrella went thin
But now he takes the King
And he rattles the snakes with his ring
Limerick #7
There was was a man who was orange
Who thought and spoke like a lozenge
A man with face hair
couldn't make it more clear
But his fee was enough for some Bollinge
Limerick #8
There once was a gentleman waiting
Loyal and chivalrous despite baiting
His decency shone
Like she who has gone
And his military leader is waiting
Limerick #9
There once was a man on his knees
Who thought he might do with the trees as he please
But life is not like that
Head and feet acrobat
And know he is some smelly cheese
Limerick #10
There was a good lawyer called Piers
Who wasn't particularly queer
But he knew an old man
Ignored all the spam
And ordered in the garden sheers
Limerick #11
There was a young lady from Tube
Who magically swallowed the lube
When he wanted growth
She said let's have them both
And the boobs became friends with the tubes
Limerick #12
There was a lady from Car stairs
Who depilated downstairs
The shock was so strong
She was strapped in her thong
And then downstairs things went in pairs
Limerick #13
There was a good lady downstairs
Who didn't quite follow the airs
She knot up her trunk
Thought she had the top bunk
And was left out to air with the flares
Limerick #14
There was a tough man who said Sir
We're in an exceptional blur
When I sit up high
We'll all respect sky
And this is a lesson we learn
Limerick #15
There once was a girl from downstairs
Who breathed in the tropical airs
She stayed very low
Had her own glow
But ended up second to bears
Limerick #16
There was a wise man with some doubts
As to what all of this was about
He stepped over the boulders
Looking over each shoulder
And was proud to send bears on the rout
Limerick #17
There was a fat man with some men
Who thought that he could Big Ben
Through friends he acquired
He thought he had fired
But he found himself face in the Fen
Limerick #18
There once was a man in the Chair
Who was losing all due nasal hair
He got down for the priest
But was only a lease
And now he has hills versus bears
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In some cases more than one of these limericks may be about the same person! We re-emphasise that none of these limericks should be treated with too much seriousness, although they all reflect in some degree or other a set of political facts.
We must emphasise that we will revolutionise the Organisation. There will be no more creeps and traitors.
If you are reading this, I want you to know that we shall deal with traitors and criminals with the full force of law. We will not do it in the way that Vladimir Putin litigates with himself: by killing people. I have seen that, and it is not pretty, and we are above it. But it will be one prosecution after another for traitors and for the disloyal. I will not hesitate to push for the longest terms of imprisonment.
All the rest of us will serve our countries with honour, dignity and hard work, as befits the extraordinary public office and duties bestowed upon us. Those who fall beneath that high standard expected of public officials with such sensitive and important duties that they are bound to exercise in pursuit of the public weal, shall find themselves in technical problems they could scarcely imagine.
So that is how we shall run things. We looking forward to seeing you all soon.
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